My Escape

I am asked ALL the time why I go to so many concerts. To me, it is like asking why do you eat? I would rather spend my money & time on concerts than on food! (although we all know I don't miss a meal)

Music feeds me. Heals me. Gives me an escape. When my body is failing me, attacking itself from the inside, the music envelopes me in a hug and I can forget the pain. When my mind won't quiet down, the lyrics resonate. They reach a deep part of me and pull out emotions that help me work through it all. The beat and music make me move, forget where I am, help me to not care who is around, or if anyone is watching. 

In those moments I am truly myself. Not having to answer to anyone and someone else's expectations. I know I am where I am supposed to be. 

The next day I will be back to questioning everything: work, health, should I move, get a PhD, have kids, get married again? 

But the next day I am already thinking....when is my next concert. Because that is where I am free.

How to do it

Hey y'all!

I recently had a conversation with a longtime friend of mine.  I have been thinking about it a lot since then and thought a lot of people may need to hear it, so hear ya go.

She asked if she could ask me something, and of course I said yes.  She knew what all I went through over the last few years and has gone through something terrible, relationship-wise herself.  She said "How do you do it? How do you trust again? How do you let yourself love again?"
My quick text (really, Facebook message) answer was "Well, you have to, right?"

Then over the coming hours, and then days, I started to think about that more.  And I knew that in the moments after I decided to be done with my previous relationship I knew I would love again, I am built for it. We all are.  And here is what I thought:
I really did think he was the love of my life. HOWEVER. If he was he would not have done what he did, we would not have ended up here.  He wouldn't have treated me that way and said what he did all those times to me.  So, he very clearly wasn't the love of my life. 

Now, for my simply "you have to" answer-- you can't let some idiot who doesn't appreciate what you have to offer--because that is what someone is that would treat you that way is--ruin you for someone great.  You can't not love again. Love is great. and wonderful. and makes all this craziness worth it. 

And, when you find someone, or someone finds you, who sits on the beach with you for hours, dances his butt off with you at concerts, loves football like you-even if it's a rival team- loves your wiener girls almost like you do, sleeps curled up around you even though you both sleep hot when the air is set to 66* in the house.... you hold on. Tight. When there is someone who is more than compatible on multiple levels and makes you smile, holds your hand.. you don't let go. Even if you may still be healing. Like I was (am). 

You, my lovelies, have too much to offer to let someone let you think otherwise for long.  It's hard. Life, and love, is hard.  But. It is all worth it.  Opening up to someone when your heart has been broken and scarred is scary. But do it anyway.  one of my favorite quotes is below...

Living

Well hello there!
It's been quite the year or so.  More on that later. 
Earlier this year I was driving about an hour away to see my brother in a play he was in, for the second time. It is quite an emotional play (really, musical) and for me most things are a bit more emotional.  I've come to embrace that side of me ;)  As I was driving I had a bit of an epiphany and wish I could have been typing as I drove. Alas that is illegal & super dangerous!  Hopefully I can recreate some of that here

Bear with me as this post may be somewhat picture quote heavy! You know I tend to love those.

I've learned that...

You live. You win. You lose. and if you do it right, you love. and you love big. And I have.  How can you have any regrets with that?  Life is hard.  Everyone is dealing with their own things, their own demons. Their own knock-me-down-to-the-kitchen-floor stuff. Believe me, been there. Haven't you? And here we are. Up. Alive. And hopefully better for it. Let's talk about it, though. Let's not hide it. Let's not run from it. Let's hope someone can benefit from whatever it is we went through. Let's let the good in our past continue to live on. Let's not erase the past.  That doesn't do any good.  I've learned words are cathartic for me. I like to write. We've ALWAYS known I loooooove to talk ;) but writing... I like! It doesn't always follow a great format or make a whole lot of sense, but who cares? Get it out. 

Last year I...
Didn't want to get out bed some days. Had to fight through that. I paid my car payment 2 weeks late. Twice. My mortgage was late once. Credit card payments were late.  But I lived. and Lived well, with a capital L. and had fun! Spent the year at concerts, my favorite thing. I saw so many of my favorite bands. I can't even name them all!  I said "why not" to several concerts and had a blast. Spent money I should not have on it, but guess what, everything got paid, everything worked out, I was healing, and I did what I wanted to, what I felt I needed to. 

This year I finally went back to school. I've wanted to for the last 6 years. I'm doing it! Why not? It's my calling. I'm passionate about it. I'm living for me. I've got to give this life all I've got.

I've started practicing yoga again. I will be going to conferences later in the year and hope to start teacher training...something I've wanted to do for some time.  Wish me luck :)

I ended up in the ER earlier this year. My body finally gave out.  I'm ok, my body had just had enough. It was finally out of survival mode and able to break down and say "enough. time to rest" So I slept for 4 days. Now I listen to my body more. 

Truth. 100%. Sorry, not sorry.

You have but one life. What are your dreams?

This one. I'm doing this more. Who cares what anyone else thinks about what you're doing. It's your life. Your decisions. They don't have to live with the fallout.

It's ok.

Well, hello.

It's been awhile.  And in that while, my life has changed. Drastically. Completely. {insert any other earth shattering word}

Y'all may remember my passion for mental health awareness & suicide prevention (if not, see.... well. I haven't told you about that yet. Ok, made a note. it's coming soon.)

So let's back track real quick. Like I said, I'll go into detail later this week.. but.. one of my life's passions is bringing awareness to mental health and releasing the stigma surrounding both that and suicide prevention.  One of the most important things to know is this: IT'S OK TO NOT BE OK & TO SAY IT!   Please, say it. Keep saying when people disagree with you and respond with "no, you're fine. you're ok. you have a job, you have a roof over your head" etc etc etc. Trust me, it happened to me. Keep saying it until you are ok. Keep saying until you get what you need.  Spread the word. Tell your people to say if they're not ok. To ask for help. To ask for a shoulder. To ask for an ear. For whatever you need.

As I said, my life has changed in the last year. I have moments where I am not ok, and for a variety of reasons. People now listen. and understand {the best they can}.

I had moments where I was hyperventilating on the floor of my bathroom, sobbing on the floor of the kitchen, sometimes a song will still get me. It happens. and it's OK. Because, I will be ok. I'm on the road to being ok. Someone asked me about it today and said "are you ok?" I stopped for a second. Noone has asked in awhile. And I replied "No. No I'm not. I haven't been for a year. But I will be" One day I'll be 'whole' again....as whole as can be.  Which is to be expected after having your life torn apart from the inside. 

My point in this is... if someone is telling you they are not ok, LISTEN. 

If you're not ok SAY IT. Say it again. and again. Until you are heard.  

Tomorrow-- we'll talk about my new favorite book.  

And why it's ok "if you feel too much"   {and some shopping! ;) }

a Pinterest aha moment

Like many of you, I have the Pinterest app on my phone. I use everywhere--probably dangerously so. I walk and do it, I do it while having conversations with whomever, I watch TV and do it. Addicted? Yes! I've been on Pinterest since it was in its beta days (I'm quite proud of that! :) ). And have looooooooved it ever since.

The other evening, on my way home from work, a Pinterest notification popped up on my phone.
Now, let me back track a bit. I have been having some difficult days at work recently. Not that my job is particular difficult, it is decidedly not. But I do have a staff and I do work with the public.  And sometimes those things really get to me, as they have recently. So as I'm coming home this certain evening, I'm a little stressed, and letting every little thing get to me. In those moments I tend forget the good things and focus on the bad.  So when I get the notifications that someone pinned one of my pins I generally scroll down to see what pin it was.  This is the pin in that moment that had be repinned:

I pinned this 2.5 years ago. With the caption: Black painted cabinets. grey walls. turquoise accents. love.

See it here.

Just a seemingly normal kitchen pin. Except its not.  This is my kitchen! Ok, not this exact kitchen. But same layout, same builder, same black cabinets, same wall color. And I did not realize this until that night.  Here is my actual kitchen:

See? Same kitchen! Pinterest is a vision board! Realizing I was living in the kitchen that I drooled over a few years back snapped back to reality. It made me focus on the positive after that dreadful day.

Ok, I'm off to cook dinner in this kitchen!

Happy New Year!!

Well, it's January 1, 2014. Another year has come and gone! Already! It felt like it flew by... So much so that I feel that I did not accomplish much of anything I set out to in 2013. So I'm going to change that!

Last night C & I had a low key evening. Dinner and champagne, and then more champagne in the hottub~ We watched football and then the ball drop :) low key, but still fun!

My resolutions this year include:

•  be healthier--that includes food, working out, not letting stress take its toll, etc.
• work on quality time with C. He travels for work, A LOT. and I find we get stuck in a routine when he is home. So we're going to work on that.
• work on my spirituality
• become more organized. I started this today actually, by reorganizing my coupons. Don't laugh! It made me feel accomplished for the day, and is something that really needed to be done.
• put more time into this. 
• Start (or create!) my dream career...whatever that may mean. I want to be at least started on the path this year. 
• Shop my closet more--instead of the mall.

Overall, I want to be happier & healthier. That is my wish for all of you, too.  What are some of your resolutions?

xox,

Ash

What I wore

As I type this, it's 68 degrees outside. The windows in my house are open, dinner (white chicken chili) is on the stove, fall candles are burning... they're my favorite ones, all from bath & body works. Y'all, if you haven't smelled Leaves by B&BW yet, run! It is.the.best.!!

Tonight we'll have our first fire in the firepit outside of the season...glass of wine in hand. It'll be a wonderful evening.  C has been home for the last two weeks, and will be for the next week and a half. It's been so nice! Usually, he's gone 3-4 nights a week for work. 

Anyway.... here's what I've worn recently!

 You can tell it's football season!! Dress: LOFT, belt: H&M, scarf: stole from my mom :), Shoes: super old from wet seal

Top & Shoes: Charlotte Russe, Belt: I have no clue its so old. Like 7 years old maybe. Skirt: J Crew Factory, jewelry: collected over the years. There is a LOFT & Brighton bracelet there, though.

Top & skirt: LOFT

Ok so I've loved foxes waaaaaay before the song "what does the fox say". I just wanted to clarify :)

Sweater: Ann Taylor; Blackwatch pants: LOFT

 Nothing special about this outfit, but my tee shirt says "My husband's wife is freaking awesome. True story" Hilarious, right?!

Tee: Skreened.com, Yoga crops: old VS Pink

Let me just tell y'all about these pants. The ones below are similar (but from somewhere different..cost more. and I like the orange & blue fit much better). I now have 3 pairs of pants like this. And am ordering another one! They're so so so comfortable and cute. Like fancy yoga pants :)

Tank: LOFT, scarf: from my sister in law, fabulous pants: Blue Lawn Boutique. Go order some. You'll fall in love like I did! I'm sure you'll see these pants pop up here all the time!

Tank: LOFT, necklace: super old, watch: Michael Kors, Pants: Boca Leche

 I would have bought this skirt in every color they had if it came in others.  It felt like wearing yoga pants! (anyone else notice I'm talking a lot about yoga pants? I guess I'm obsessed with being presentable and comfortable lately...!) Plus, the skirt was $12!!!

Top: LOFT, skirt: Forever21, Shoes: Buckle

 Who doesn't love a statement necklace? and one of these embellished sweatshirts and so cute!

Shorts: J Crew, Boots: (they have a cognac colored loooong fleur de lis on the back) Charlotte Russe, Sweatshirt: Forever21 (has sheer black panel in back), White & yellow button down: Target, Necklace: online somewhere..sorry!

Top: LOFT, skirt: Francesca's, Booties: Charlotte Russe

This skirt is fantastic. It holds shape even when it's on the hanger. Generally I would have worn heels with this skirt but at work I need something more comfortable, with my back issues right now. Enter: booties. They add an edge to the outfit and are way more comfortable than a heel!

And that's what I've worn in the last two weeks or so :)

xox~

Ash